i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
