I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
