either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
