My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
