the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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