I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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