ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
