she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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