just come out here and I will go home with you...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Randomize
