I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
