we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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