my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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