Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
