We're facebook friends in real life
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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