So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize