I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
