Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
