I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize