i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize