please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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