I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
