On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
