I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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