I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i love accidental penises.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
