She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
