I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
