Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
