Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
