i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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