It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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