You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
