She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
