A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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