Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
