dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
