she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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