Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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