i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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