I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
