You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
