You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize