he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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