I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
