her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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