she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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