I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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