I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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