Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
