I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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