question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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