I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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