You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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