even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
