I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
