Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
