OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
