If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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