Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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