i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
