they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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